11 Step Program

I saw this posted on facebook tonight and after the last few weeks I have had, it really made me laugh. 

11 step program to those thinking of having kids, by Amy Lawrence.

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, Dora, and Thomas. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or 'Noggin/Nick Jr. for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Umm... Hi there!

Long time no see. Boy has this past week been a blur!

First off, my dad came to visit me for my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! And I am so excited because he got me a webcam for my birthday and now he and the girls can skype! It's so much fun!

Second thing, I had a comment game on facebook the same day that my dad got here so I was busy filling orders all weekend long. YAY for business!

I looked on my memory card last night to see if I had a picture or something I could post, only to find out, I haven't taken any!! Nothing, in almost a week! Well I did take pictures of some new products but that was it.

Aren't these so cute!

It's been raining for a week solid and it's just too dark without the sunlight to get really nice pictures inside.

Third and last thing, Caitlin hurt her foot on Monday at school. She bent down to put something in her backpack and this girl and her friend kicked her foot. She had been telling me all week that it hurt but I told her to suck it up. It will get better. Well today she called me from school to tell me she could hardly walk on it. This was 2 pm mind you and I hadn't even taken a shower. What? I'm a stay at home mother... I don't have to shower every. single. day. Right?

I went to get her around 3:30 from school and we went straight to the urgent care. Went right in but were told their x-ray machine was not working and that we would have to go to the other one on our side of town. No biggie. We were told we would just go straight back to have the x-ray done and be out in no time.


2 hours later... Oh they lost our paperwork that was faxed over from the other office AND forgot about us. It's now 7pm. FINALLY we go back to get it done. 10 mins later she's done and we wait for the Dr. ... and we wait... and we wait... for 45 more mins! I had just opened the door to leave when the Dr. was pulling her chart from the door. Guess what... she told us that no one told her we were there....

8:30pm we left that place. We got there at 5pm. 

Guess who's NEVER going back to *that* urgent care?

We still don't know what is wrong. The radiologist will have to take a look at her x-rays tomorrow. I being the medical professional that I am think she may have fractured it. Although she very well may have just pull some ligaments in her foot. Which I personally know is very painful.

So that's my week in a nutshell. Busy, no time for anything. Hope to be back on a regular schedule soon. :)